Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Wasted Wednesday

Gas up car early, leave RTP, get to airport early. Sit and wait for flight.

Fly from Raleigh/Durham International, where they have great wireless connectivity,
to Dulles International, in DC, which sucks

Deplane, get out, look at departure time for my gate? and? United has cancelled the flight to Boston. No instructions, just cancelled.

I walk to the customer service Kiosk, by gate C15? and stand in line for 45 minutes.
Verdict? "you are kinda screwed"

There is a storm, eastern seaboard, blah blah blah.

BUT! They manage to transfer me to a US Airways flight leaving to Charlotte, North Carolina. The catch? Other than going BACK to North Carolina? I have to get across the airport in 23 minutes.

I sprint. I run in my Florsheim’s like Jackie Joiner. Well, maybe not, Okay, I run like a girl a fat girl. I run to the bus to terminal E. I wait. Finally the bus leaves. I sprint from the Bus to the gate, other end of terminal E.

But I make it to the gate for the 3:38 flight and???? It is delayed. But the flight leaving Charlotte to Boston is also delayed, so it will be okay.

Finally, 4:45, we board the US airways plane. I am in the seat, this will work, everyone is in the plane, they will NOT close the door? Because the cargo hatch will not close. They make us wait, they call a mechanic, they have to push the plane out of the gate to work on it, they get us off the plane, back to the terminal 5:30pm

I stand in the US Airways line to see if I can book anything else. It is not moving. I have shite cell reception. I wander down the walkway, find better reception, call Cisco Travel. HA! Hold. Terminal. After 10 minutes, I know better. I call United Customer Service. They put me on hold, because they have “high call volumes” I wonder why.

I ask the Salvadorian call center worker if there is any place I can go to speak to a human. Yeah, in terminal C.

At this point, I am worried they may actually FIX the hatch, so I go back to the gate for US Air. The line has not moved. But, there are some cute business bunny types, so I stand in line.

Something cool happens.

I see this guy shambling up to the gate. Long stringy hair, fat, carrying shopping bags, with a very attractive asian woman with GINORMOUS implants.

He shines the line, walks to the desk and they clerk starts talking to him.

IT’S RON JEREMY! And he can’t fly either.

They chat, nothing, he sits. I decide to give up on US Air, and walk back to the United Ticketing Counter. Oh crap, this is gonna be a long walk.

Before I leave, I walk over and say “Excuse me Mr. Jeremy, you look as tired as I do, so I got no time to waste. Thank You. Thank you for helping short fat furry balding Jewish men be considered sex symbols” He grins, the asian companion (with GINORMOUS KNOCKERS) tells him I am cute, I thank them both, forget to ask for a photo op, and walk back to the ticket counters.

I bump into a guy named Glen. He works for Homeland Security doing software. He has a rental car, and will drive to Boston tonight. If I am interested,….

Well, I tell him, IF I can get on United, no thanks, but if not, will consider it.

We walk to the united counter. There is a llooong line. I think I am Ron Jeremy, and shine the line. Walk to the first agent, and plop my tix down, notice the cross pin on her lapel, and say “I prayed and Jesus told me to ask you for help”

Well, actually, IN truth, I asked the guy mopping the floor where United was, his name was Jesus, and he said they would help me. So I didn’t REALLY lie….

She looks up my tickets, and tells me that US Air still has control of me, but if I walk to their counter, and they release me, United will book me on standby.

I make the play: “Can my financial analyst Glen get booked?” No, sorry, but I tried, and he appreciated it, but left to go find his rental ride to Boston. Gosh Glen, I hope you have a pleasant drive.


AND, she says walk back to her, no line. Thank you Jesus, Thank you Sandra.

US Air kiosks are closed, but Dawn is standing there. She looks at me, says “cmon” I explain, she types, she hands me 2 paper tickets, and says take em to United!

Sandra sees me, points, I shine the line, she makes a call, she types furiously, I am on Standby, 2nd on the list, for flight 804 to Boston, boarding at 9:45. Great, cause it’s what? 7pm now? Nope. 9pm. She says “RUN to the security checkpoint, take the bus to terminal C, turn right, Scamper down the ramp to gate D1”

I go. I run like the wind. The wind coming out of a fat girls ass maybe. My cool black shirt with white stripes and martini glasses? It smells like it was on a goat. I stink. I smell like kiester. On a warm day.

Through the security check, holding my shoes, bag, laptop, roller bag, and standby card, I sprint to the bus. I just make it, as it chugs to terminal C, I put laptop in bag. Put shoes on, get situated, and look up. A really REALLY cute girl with a tshirt that says “Brazil” is looking at me and giggling. I realize, I look like a cartoon. Short fat sweaty man with lots of bags, carrying his shoes.

If she only saw me a few hours ago next to Ron Jeremy? She would have wanted me. In a biblical way. Not that she could EVER draw me away from my Sara, but anyhow.

Get to C, SCAMPER! Down the walkway to D. D1 Vassily is working, and he is not taking any crap. He says “Statman! Da, you on standby. You sit. I call. No griefs”

So I sit. And I make phone calls, cause I get signal. I call the hotel to make sure they are not giving my room away. I call Keith for an update. I call Sara. I charge the computer battery.

Vassily comes on the PA, and says “Gate Change. Boston, you go gate C27 NOW”

Then he sprints around the corner to 27. that was cool. I get over there, stand in the standby line. And he announces plane is on “choice call decision till 1:30am”

Oh, what the hell. I stand in line anyhow. And remember, all I ate today was a squished flat, and I mean FLAT Nutri-grain bar. I am starving. But, I want on this plane.

He announces again, “plane plan moves. 10:30 depart. Standby you wait here”

Then he starts calling passengers who are on standby. My name is there. Seat 11E.

The plane boards at 10:45, and actually takes off. I am in the air now, 11:45. We should get to Boston at 12:15am. I just got a ginger ale, yay! 12 fl oz of caffine free lunch and dinner. Well, at least I am saving Cisco Money by not eating.

On landing, I go to Hertz, pick up my rental, (I hope they saved it) and drive about 45 minutes to Boxborough, to check into the hotel

Tomorrow I have a 10am meeting with a large group. Hopefully lunch with Brian and Su, then a 1x1 with Brian, then I may cancel anything else. I am in pain. I am gonna try to get my Friday flight moved as early as possible, just in case.

YAY, Wednesday was wasted, I stink, but I did get exercise, and I gotta say, if you have to run in dress shoes, Florsheims ain’t half bad.

Arrived in Boston. Got to Hertz at 1:30am. Only car left? Ford Exhibition. This is the biggest pile of crap I ever drove. If you buy a SUV? You better know how many bales of hay it can pull. Otherwise get a damn stationwagon.

Exit airport with SIMPLE directions. 93 north, 495 south, 111 south is holiday in. 45 minutes

93 is undergoing a little construction. There were 2 detour signs, then nothing.

I somehow ended up on the Mass Turnpike. Took that to 95 north? Maybe? To 2 West? To 111? And ended up in Boxborough.

I checked into the hotel at 2:35am East Coast Time.


No matter how much today sucked? It is still better than chemo! it’s great to be alive, I am goin to sleep.

How do random airline employees know who Ron Jeremy is, or anyone who is not immediately recognizable but famous/important enough to get star treatment? Are they trained to deal with everyone who walks up to them in such a way that they are used to service without standing in line? Should try this next time i'm in such a situation.
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