Sunday, August 17, 2003

Went away for a long weekend. It was very neccessary. I am not sure when I will be in good enough condition to have time away with Sara again, and I felt it was extremely important.

Good part? Very relaxing.
Bad part? I missed a close friend's wedding.

Good part? he is a good friend, and he BETTER understand.
Bad part? I read the Lance Armstrong book.

Sara ordered it from somewhere, and stayed up a few nights ago and read it. I read it this weekend. It scared the hell out of me. I am VERY much trying to keep the 'positive mental attitude' but reading his chapters about chemo scared the living bejesus out of me.

I am not afraid of much in this world. 2 things really, spiders and needles. Both along the same lines, both suck blood out of you. I really dislike them. Oddly, snakes don't bother me. I mean, I do not like them much, or keep them as pets, but I do not freak out and run around like a wild mohican when I see one. But spiders? I squeal like a wee tiny girl.

and needles. blech. Make me lightheaded and faint.

if I do have to undergo chemo, they may implant a catheter in my CHEST, for like, three months. I will pass out every time I see it. Not to mention pumping all the radioactive poision into me.

What will happen with work?

I can probably never get life insurance again.

My 3 best friends in Austin have all offered to come out whenever I need. My sister is burning "lucky flame" candles for me. I still do not know who sent me the pirate hat, or dropped off the bagel dogs. My pal Missy sent me some very wonderful and cheering goodies. Jack, well, Jack is so here for me, I cannot express it. Sara stands beside me through all of this. She is my pillar, I hope I do not strain her with my leaning.

When we sleep together, we hold hands. And have, for a long time. I am very lucky.

Next week, Tuesday, we go for Cat (referred to as CT now) scan of my lymph system to see how bad this is. Am I stage 2 or stage 3? how far have these nasty crabs spread in me? We should know something by Thursday, or at least begin discussions with oncologists.

Thanks to everyone for the encoragement, I am sorry to those I have not returned calls or sent thank you cards.

I am feeling more and more tired lately, the surgical scar seems to be healing, the muscles are sore, but the tired part is worrysome.

Will keep on. thanks

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