Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Five minute test my BUTT!

Dr. Scates was under the impression a PET scan lasts 5 minutes. Oh, how wrong he was.

Let's begin on Sunday. Sara and I went to Julia & Mark's house in the afternoon, and ended up staying through dinner and then some. It was great to be out of the house. When we got home, however, my stomach was kinda iffy. Due, I believe, to anxiety over the test.

I was up till 4am, crying and going to the bathroom every other 15 minutes. Horrid gas pain, a wee touch stopped up, if you know what I mean, and relief? seemed to be coming in rabbit pellet size.

Finally around 4, I fell soundly asleep till 7. 3 solid hours of sleep, and woke up with no pain. So that was grand. My test was scheduled to start at 10am, so I figured, 10am, 5 minutes, work by 11. YAY!

I left early to account for traffic. Fortunately, no fear of median poopage this trip. Got to the hospital at 9:30, and got to sit and wait in lines. Booo! But made all the paperwork by 10, and off to Nuclear Medecine.

Met Gene the tech. He explained and started the proceedure. 5 minutes? not.

FIRST they start an IV drip. The first poke the vein would not run, but second poke it did.
THEN I recieved a series of 3 shots into the IV, each followed by a saline wash (another shot)
The second shot was a radioactive sugar the lymph nodes will process and the camera can track.

after the shots, I got to sit in a recliner for 2 hours while the junk processed. 2 HOURS

then another shot to make the stuff run out of me quickly, 15 minutes for that to settle, then into the scanner

Like a CT scan, big metal hoop, table, slide back and forth. However, it takes time lapse shots, to measure the irradiated sugars processing, so that takes an hour.

then I got to leave. A little longer than 5 minutes.

Now wait for the results.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

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So it's Sunday night, and I just realized I have my PET scan tomorrow morning at 9:45am. Somehow I thought it was NEXT month. No problem, shot, scan, go to work. The drugs are not NOT NOT supposed to make me sick.

My ears are still ringing. Damnit

Saturday Sara went for a motorcycle ride. I stayed home and did some yardwork. Actually, I OVER-did some yard work, and was wore out tired all Sunday.

But managed to go to my pal Julia's for pizza and smack talking this evening. Just got home, still tired, need to EASE into life, not doing a bunch of yard work. However, it did need doing.

more later.

Friday, December 26, 2003

It is like, the best biggest news in my life since the dee-vorce was finalized.

Divorce taught me all I really had or needed in my life was my friends and family, everything else was just things, stuff that could be replaced.

Cancer taught me how valuable my friends are, and how much I need them.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Thank you everyone for the calls and emails. My ears are still ringing, badly. I think it is because I have so much less pain from everything else, I just notice it more? But I've been very phone shy. Wednesday afternoon I got a tad sick and gakked. I think it is a reaction to the red blood shot. But seems to be going away. Today was a little deheydrated, my own fault for not drinking enough fluids. Working to fix that now. I got the best holiday gift ever, this no more chemo has me really happy. YAY.

I think my mother has phoned everyone in the US to tell them the status of my ball-cancer, so that is kind of wired, but YAY! no more chemo!

I am still thrilled, no more chemo. PET scan on Jan 29, as double-throw-down extra information insurance.

Wednesday night Sara and I went to Dale & Joan's, Jack & Rebecca were there, and it was just wonderful.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Quick "Executive" Summary?: No more Chemo! Lots of monitoring and shots to rebuild red blood cells.

More detailed:
Sara and I went to South Bay Oncology this morning hoping for good news. And we got some.

The CT Scan shows my largest lymph node at 1mm. Which is the top end of the normal range. They do not really worry about the nodes unless they are 3mm. And my blood markers are all normal. As a backup exam, I am scheduled for a PET Scan. PET measures how the lymph nodes process sugars. What's the difference and why TWO scans? CT measures the physical size of the lymph nodes, PET measures how the Lymph node is functioning. My understanding is the PET is sort of a 'second insurance' to make doubly SURE. This will be scheduled in January.

My red blood count is still low from the chemo, so I will be going back to the clinic every 2 weeks for a quick shot that will help build red blood cells. I got one this morning, and it has made me feel weird and sickly, but nothing like chemo. So shot every 2 weeks till my red counts come up.

I have an appointment to revisit the doctor in 4 weeks, to monitor red count, and a physical checkup. He says I should be checked out and fine to travel in February! YAY!

My checklist of issues seem to all be related to the Cisplatin, and will diminish with time. Ringing ears, numb palms, will go away. Swollen, tender veins is basically scar tissue from all the IV's, and will go away, but it takes longer. And I have some skanky toenail fungus, but cannot take the drugs for it till I build more red blood cells.

As my energy comes back, Steve recommended walking and a high protein, but not low carb diet. YAY More Steak!

So, what did we learn? NO MORE CHEMO. But, just as you do not "beat" cancer, you survive it, the same goes for being done. I am not done, just done with chemo. I'm supposed to CT scan every 4 months, I'll have frequent doctor's appointments to check up, and I have a lot of monitoring to do.

But really? No more Chemo? I am pretty dang happy. I got TWO great presents this week. Still work for Keith, and NO more Chemo!

oh, and my sister sent me a channukah bush. I'll try to post photos later today.

but for right now, I need a nap.

Woo HOO!

Monday, December 22, 2003

The weekend passed without much hoopla. Mostly staying quiet, warm, resting at the house. Saturday night Sara and I watched the 1969 version of "The Italian Job" what a fun movie. But the ending! Feh!
Sunday she went on a motorcycle ride, then to a solstice/birthday party. I stayed home and rested.

Monday! I went to work this morning. I have great news. Through the re-org, I STILL report to Keith! YAY! I've been very anxious about this, and am very happy about the way things turned out. So that's #1 bit of good news this week.

While in the lab talking to Kirk, he said "Say! We just had an earthquake" and I did not feel anything. I missed it. Apparently a 6.5 in central California, and folks felt it in San Jose, but not me. Of course my ears are constantly ringing, the palms of my hands are numb, and recovering is taking it's toll. So maybe I just missed it. Oh well. Everything at the house seems to be in order and okay.

But, after a morning of being at work, I was worn out, so I came home to rest. Stopped at Burger King to satisfy an onion ring craving, after 4 I was satisfied. The rest have been disposed of. I am home and reting now.

Tomorrow, 8:30am, Dr.'s Appointment to get CT Scan results. Yes, we got all the cancer, or NO, we need more work, I will post as soon as I find out. Hopefully it will be good news #2 for this week.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Last night I cooked up a batch of OMJs Spanish Rice. And managed to eat a bowl and a half! AND kept it down. Woo HOO! Some pals came by the house and helped us polish off the pot. MMMMM. Rice and Pals. MMMM.

I also sent an email to Joe in Austin, and it has been rattling around my head so much, I thought I'd post most of it here:

So I am supposed to get my test results from the Oncologist on December 23. Hopefully he will tell me the chemo got all the cancer, and I just need to come back for regular monitoring.

But December 23. WHY is this date rattling around in my head? I mean, CT scan Dec 17, Dec 17, I remember, Orville & Wilbur, Kitty Hawk, etc. etc. But What The Heck is December 23?

and it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

The Pole, Airing of Grievances, Feats of Strength...

FESTIVUS! Every December 23 is FESTIVUS! The Holiday for the Rest of Us! From the Seinfeld Show.

Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way.

Kramer: What happened to the doll?

Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born -- a Festivus for the rest of us!

So I'm bouncing around the house, full of dee-light at remembering this, and Sara is just looking at me like I am a total freak.

Anyhow, Dec 23! Festivus! And Cancer Test Results.

woo hoo!

Thursday, December 18, 2003

#1. Last night around 8 all the poop stopped (for me*) I think I may have let myself get deheydrated, however, cause I started feeling icky, and slept a lot. I've pushed lots of water & juice today, hoping to feel better. *(for me 'splanation) I recieved an email from my sister, last night her dog Jackie busted into a UPS package and ate about a pound of chocolates. Sherry said she'd spare me the details, but the quick story was: "dog okay, there was a mighty turd tornado in South Austin at 3 a.m." This morning I told Sara i was tired of all this, and just wish fluids would stop shooting out of me.

#2. Hair. I keep hearing after chemo hair comes in white or blonde and curly. I like the idea of blonde, and seem to remember telling my mom I wanted to grow up to be tall and blonde with blue eyes. However, at this point, any hair would be nice, especially nose hair. I was pretty sure I hated nose hair, but now that I do not have any, I miss it. It keeps your nose from constantly running, and without any, boogers fall out at the wierdest times.

#3 My Pal: I'd mentioned my pal in SF who had surgery and TC. Then did not say anyhting for a while, cause I did not want to risk jinxing his CT scan. He went same day as me, but already has results. Negative and Negative. They got it all when they cut! woo hoo! this is great news. I am V happy for him.

That's about all the thoughts I have right now, I am still pretty tired, I don't know when I will get energy back, but am being cautious, resting, and avoiding large gatherings, where there could be flu or sniffles floating around. I still have low LOW immunities, and can't afford a cold just now.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003


I left early, there was traffic, but not enough to delay things, I arrived at the hospital at 6:55am, with no unscheduled, uncomfortable, un-sanitary pit stops along the way! Filed my check-in papers, and at 7am sharp. the poop-fest was on. At the hospital, in the correct facility, in a proper manner. Yay. I drank more nasty goo right after, and had to 'go' every 10 minutes, exactly 10, not 9, not 11, every 10 minutes.

The CT scanning lab opened at 7:30, and I was able to sit in that waiting room, away from the screaming, fighting, running, out-of-control children that are always in every hospital waiting room.

Drank the last of my goo at 7:45, continued my 10 minute-ly 'constitutionals' until the lab techs got me into the CT scanner EARLY at 8. YAY!

To be a patient getting CT scanned, a few things must happen. First, you drink the goo. Then you wait a lot. Thirdly, you get nekkid, and have to wear the hospital gown that ties in the back. You lie on a cold table that's built into the giant doughnut shaped scanner. You get an I.V. drip of more contrast. The table slides back and forth into the doughnut, while scanning you. Then they pull the needle, slide you around and scan you some more. Finally, you are done, and get to walk back to the dressing room, change and depart.

A) Goo makes you poo a lot. also makes you queasy
B) The receptionist is very cute. She sees your ass when you walk back in the gown. Doh!
C) Tech remembers you puked last scan, and "slows down" the I.V. Drip, to reduce chance of pukeability
D) While holding your breath for the sliding & scanning, I feel sick, but do NOT barf! YAY!
E) Walking back to change, cute receptionist girl sees naked butt again.

Well, I have no problem mooning people, AND I know the cutest girl in the world is at MY house, it is still kinda embarrasing. Driving home, however, is going to be tricky. I 'go' one more time at hospital, hoping pipes are clean, and the drive home will be as uneventful as the drive in.

Traffic is lousy, I stop by the old condo to pick up some mail still being delivered there. And continue the drive home on surface streets, not the freeway. I feel uneasy a few times, but not enough to justify a pit stop.

Last stoplight before the house, I pull up just as it turns red. I am bouncing in the truck, sort of, well, kind of like the "pee pee dance" but #2, and in traffic. I am thinking all the clenching thoughts I can. As the light turns green, I see a speeding car in the corner of my eye. The guy in the truck behind me sees it too, and is honking and pointing, trying to keep me from making a big mistake. We are all covered, we are all cool, we wait, the driver RUNS the red light, I wait for her to run it, then cross, and everyone continues on their way.

I made it home in time! YAY! Saw the cutest girl in the world, who has not left for work yet; took care of business, and am continuing, although not every 10 minutes. I will be glad when it stops, but I have safely made it there and back, no fouls were committed, and now I am really wore out. Rest, Rest,

on the 23rd, we find out what they saw today.


Okay, Wednesday morning, 6:25. In exactly 5 minutes, I will drink 2 glasses of liquid nastiness, then drive like a madman to make it to the hospital before something bad happens that no one wants to see.

IN an odd foreshadowing, I was watching Saturday Night Live re-runs on the comedy channel last night, and the fake commercial for "oops, I crapped my pants" adult incontinence diapers was on. We'll hope against that option

Last night before bed I decided the proper action is to drink first 2 cups at 6:30, then drive to hospital, then drink next 2 at 7, 7:30, as planned. INSTEAD of waiting till 7:30 and trying to drive in MORE rush hour traffic.

We will hope for the best. More news this afternoon on the drive.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I just tried a new template, it may have zorched all my stats, but should be eaier to read. Here are the stats as of 5:15pm, Dec 10

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Just picked up the goo I have to drink tomorrow from the hospital. It is so nasty, I can smell it through the plastic jug it comes in. So the smell makes me nauseous, great. Instructions are to drink 1 glass before bed tonight, then a series in the morning. Wake at 5:30 for 2 glasses, then repeat 2 glasses at 6:30 and 2 more glasses at 7:30.

Will need to leave house at 7:30 to make it to hospital by 8:15 am check in time.

Instructions and past experience tell me drinking this goo causes extreme diarreah.

I ask the lab tech, "how do I get from house to here by 8:15 in rush hour traffic, with extreme diarreah?"

no answer

I ask the lab tech, "since I have nausea from chemo, what happens if I barf all this stuff up?"

no answer

I ask the lab tech, "since I've already barfed in the CT scan machine, are there any special arrangements?"

no answer

I give up asking the lab tech things, she is too busy. I make mental plans, as I drive home.

I'll stop eating tonight (easy enough, I still do not have much appetite) I will drink glass #1 of goo tonight, hope for the best, re-commence tomorrow morning, and hopefully clear everything out. However, just in case, I will put a roll of toilet paper in my truck for the drive tomorrow morning.

I've been poked, prodded, bled, observed, barfed, surgeried, chemoed and all sorts of other horrendous things over the past few months. If I have to stop and poop in the median, it is just NOT an issue. Maybe the folks commuting to work on 280 and 880 north tomorrow morning will have a story to tell at the water cooler: "So there I was, commuting in today, and this totally bald man was pooping in the median, then there was a 15 car pile up........"

those cats better scan me up right tomorrow morning.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Big meeting this morning. I rested all Sunday, and built up my strength, and got all ready and prepared. I wore jeans and a belt, not my usual "lounge pants" (they are NOT pajamas.) Wore jeans with a belt, and a button up white collared shirt, sperry top siders. I looked just like a big boy! :)

a really tired one.

I went, I met, I listened. I like the new senior VP, he seems like a No-BS kind of guy. His outline did not specifically mention me, or my organization, and as always, I stressed the one important thing to my boss. I report to my boss.

So my boss planted a seed of doubt in my mind, and said "we really don't know what is gonna happen, what if he brings in someone from the outside?"

Great, just YANK the magic carpet out from under my feet, slap those rose colored glasses off my face and toss a big cup of reality uo my nose! :D

Well, it will be all okay, no matter what happens, I am still alive, and that's better than being dead, and if you can almost survive cancer, you can do ANYTHING. So it will all work out, and I won't worrry about what I do not yet know.

Then I pulled a dumbass thing. On the way home, I stopped at TACO BELL! I am a moron. I know. I THOUGHT I was being good. I ONLY ordered a bean burrito, with a soda. Halfway through the burrito, I knew it was a bad thing, and I stopped eating.

I went home.

I took off all the clothes, and just crawled in bed and rested more.

A betting man might put his money on the burrito. But I am mixing in all the brain cycles of the information I had to digest at the meeting, and claiming It just ALL wore me out. I bet Sara will disagree. Either way, I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed.

On a cheerful note: Sara's folks sent us a holiday box from Wisconsin. It has lots of different cheese, including something called "cheese curds" which I have never seen, but taste nice. And Sara seems to like them. Also a summer sausage and the biggest packet of beef sticks I have ever seen, which I will NOT be sharing with my fiance. :) But might share with some of my non vegatarian pals.

So we get closer to Christmas, and lots of pals have been asking what plans we have.

Since not going to Texas, and not giving gifts because I am sick and cannot shop, I have been rolling the idea of all pals together in my mind and doing what us Jews do on Christmas. go see movies and go out for Chinese food. Two of the three places that are open on Christmas. #3 is shot pool at biker bars, and I do not know any in San Jose.

Wednesday. December 17th. Cat Scan. Also 100th anniversary of the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.

December 23rd, Results of CAT scan, and hopefully the present I really want to hear about.

love and holiday cheer to all. Get naked, stay warm, get in bed and rest!

Sunday, December 14, 2003

YAY! Today is better than yesterday. Finally last night, I took a different anti-nausea, that allowed me to get an atavan down and keep it in, and I did not throw up once last night. So I retianed all the water I drank, well, except for normal urination.

And today, I am not in as bad of pain. So I tried to phone my folks and sister and stuff, just to check in.

I feel like i have a little energy, but plan on doing the correct thing. Stay low, rest, bed, couch, eat, drink, do not overextend.

There is another V-IMPORTANT meeting on Monday at 11:30, I will go to the meeting, then come back home.

Dec 17th, scheduled for cat scan.

woo woo

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Saturday morning found me waking up sick, tired, nauseous, and generally poopy. I have not phoned or gone or done anything, I am so tired of all this.

please forgive if I did not make any promised engagements today, I plan on being on couch or in bed quietly and painfully today.

poor sara, I wish she did not have to tolerate all this.

Friday, December 12, 2003

I went to a meeting at work this morning, it was good to go, see people, and take in the V. IMPORTANT information that was imparted. But it really wore me out. More than I thought. foolishly, after work, I stopped at the Safeway Grocery on the way home. The store by my office is much nicer than the one by our house, so I wanted to get some stuff to make Spanish Rice, and look for a present for Sara, which I found.

Morningstar Farms Tofu Corn Dogs!

She always harasses me for eating corn dogs, so I found some she could have, maybe she won't be so jealous of my corn dogs now? :D But I doubt it.

When I got home, I was so worn out, I put away the groceries and went to sleep. At like, 1pm! And slept till Sara got home from work at 8.

Waking up I was greeted with a wave of nausea, ran to the bathroom, and well, purged. I am so tired of this. It is not consistent, it is not predictable. On the other hand, I am alive, so that's nice.

Random notes:
cstatman@texas.net is going away. Please use : cstatman@yahoo.com

BUT! the cstatman@yahoo.com SPAM filter is a little out of whack, I just found out yesterday, so if I did not respond for the past week or so, it is because I have not been checking my bulk mail, I am now.

the clutch on my truck is worse and worse, should I sell it or fix it?

After not using the phone for a while (it still hurts) I tried to call my folks, my sister and OMJ today, and got voice mail at each. But I did not leave voicemail, because it still hurts me to talk, esp after tonights barfing.

Cancer Sucks!

Thursday, December 11, 2003

according to the blogger stats page, as of 10:15pm PST, today:

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A pal just asked me about the meaning of life, and I was reminded of riding around the Texas Hill country in my old Rattly Suburban, listening to Faith Hill on the country station, and every time she'd say "the secret of life is..." the door speakers would short out, and I would not hear it.

We drove around that whole song, and never heard the secret of life, till It dawned on me, the Holey Cow was trying to make a point.

no one can TELL you the secret of life, you have to experience it for yourself.

Well, I am getting more experience with this chemo.... that's a fact.

Faith Hill:
The Secret Of Life

Couple of guys sittin' around drinkin'
Down at the Starlight Bar
One of 'em says you know I've been thinking
Other one says, that won't get you too far
He says, this your life and welcome to it
It's just workin' and drinkin' and dreams
Ad on TV says "Just do it"
Hell if I know what that means

The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is a beautiful woman
And Marilyn stares down from the barroom wall

You and me we're just a couple of zeros
Just a couple of down-and-outs
But movie stars and football heros
What have they got to be unhappy about?
So they turn to the bartender, "Sam, what do you think?
What's the key that unlocks that door?"
Sam don't say nothin' just wipes off the bar
And he pours them a couple more

'Cause the secret of life is in Sam's martinis
The secret of life is in Marilyn's eyes
The secret of life is in Monday night football
Rooling Stones records and mom's apple pies

Sam looks up from his Sunday paper
Says, boys you're on the wrong track
The secret of life is there ain't no secret
And you don't get your money back hey

The secret of life is gettin' up early
The secret of life is stayin' up late
The secret of life is try not to hurry
But don't wait...don't wait
The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is to find the right woman
The secret of life is nothin' at all oh it's nothin' at all
The secret of life

Couple of guys sittin' around drinkin'
Down at the Starlight Bar
One of 'em says you know I've been thinkin'
Other one says, that won't get you too far
That won't get you too far

It's Thursday morning, do you know where the contents of your stomach are?

Unfortunately, my answer has not changed in the past few days. Although I am feeling MUCh mentally better, and that's a positive thing. The ears still ring, the nausea is still firmly in effect, but it is easier for me to eat and drink.

AND! I've remembered to fight harder to have the positive mental attitude to survive this. I feel as the chemo built up in my system from the progressive treatments, I have been slipping and feeling a little too sorry for myself. The past week has been difficult, as I had an almost normal human weekend. Then Whammo, it slapped me back down. The nasties are still leeching out of me, and I need to remember that, and remember that I do NOT have any energy, and need to conserve what is there.

So today I woke up feeling a little better, a little stronger, and am going to rest, hoarding my energy, instead of trying to DO things.

My only other thought is on turning this into a book. When the doctor first told me "YOU HAVE CANCER" which I heard in a big, booming, echoing, Charleton Heston as Moses voice, I went to the bookstore to learn more. They had about a million books on breast cancer, about twenty books on eating to prevent cancer, five or six medical big heavy books on cancer in general, and nothing like I wanted.

Of course, I first started looking under "balls" then "testicles" then "man cancer". and found nothing.

So I want to turn my experience into a book about my experiences, written for guys like me, who run into the bookstore in a blind panic, looking for a bright red book that says "YOU have BALL CANCER, But you will LIVE"

My thought is to combine Jack's fantastic advice of 'take this one step at a time' into a list of chapters that are the steps you have to take. Then write out each chapter detailing how to take that step. In between each "how to" chapter, I plan to have a "my experience" chapter, drawing stories from this weblog.

SO, I already have the How-To chapter list, and once my brain is back to spinning at 90%, I will begin writing them up.

YAY! Lemons? Lemonade! Evel Knieval always said "Ameri-I-CAN" and I need to remember that, and push my positive mental attitude. I am nearly DONE with this. It IS getting better. now if you will pardon me, I need to go hurl.

Monday, December 08, 2003

All that neat-o, optimistic stuff from this morning?


I spent most of the afternoon on the futon, or in the bathroom. The copious amounts of chemo spew that came out of me were terrifying. I am weak from the dry heaves, my back hurts, and I can barely move.

tomorrow I will spend quietly and calmly, trying to feel better.

UGH! I start to think I am improving, then ZAP, 3 steps back.

My pals Flash and Beth were in town over the weekend. It was great to see friends, but I got a little worn out with too much activity.

I can't really remember much, other than fun to see pals.

Last weeks shivering was a combination of cold and lack of fluid, it went away about an hour after I wrote. Laying under a blanket really helped.


My status as of Monday morning:

My ears are still ringing, it is constant, and causing a fierce headache

The Nausea is still here, but seems to be orruring once in the morining and once in the evening.

I have no energy. totally weak, the simplest activities leave me breathless and needing to sit down.

I did eat and drink quite a bit this weekend, so I do not feel deheydrated at all. A side effect of being hydrated appears to be diarreah.

I was hoping to have enough energy to go into work this morning for a visit, but woke up drained, and am spending most of the day napping or trying to drink fluids.

Am generally feeling better, with the occaisional puke, but have a better mental attitude. Am still way too tired. I hate cancer.

My Task "Wish List" For this Week: (doesn't mean I am gonna do it, just means I wish it)

Get enough energy to complete a task a day?

Tuesday make it into work, do some work things. Visit my GP, Dr. Nguyen on the way home to say hello

Wednesday deal with my insurance lady. State Farm raised my rates, even though I took traffic school.

Thursday to complete the paperwork to sell my Superhawk to Julia and Mark

Friday think about photographing stuff to sell on eBay, like my spare DRZ 400 engine.

Friday, December 05, 2003

Argh, same as yesterday. But with a twist. I tossed bile this morning, and was feeling rather flat. Sat around doing a whole bunch of nothing, resting, sipping water, that stuff. Then at about 1pm, i tossed again. Only this time, it came with a fierce case of the shakes.

Uncontrollable shivering. that's something new.

So I ate some corn dogs, just to get soft food into me, and forced in about 1/2 bottle of safeway brand Gatorade. Just forced it down, like frat boys around a beer keg. I know I need the fluid. But still cannot stop shaking.

Turned up the heat in the house, and I am sitting next to the futon, so I am upright, and have a big mexican blanket wrapped all around me and the laptop. Less like a mummy, more like a tent. The shakes are getting less, but I noticed my room smells like feet. Well, maybe feet and butts. I am not sure. The window is open a little, and it does not smell like cat pee, yet, so it my just be a musty smell from outside. It did rain last night.

I keep telling myself I am getting better, but it sure does not FEEL like I am getting better.

And energy? Forget about it. I have none.

Yesterday afternoon I went out into the garage and sat on the Harley. Just sort of to pretend I was going for a ride. Not really starting the bike or anything, just sitting. And I got tired.

Hopefully in a few more days I will start to build energy, and start to head out of the chemo fog. Till then, I am very close to the house, and quiet.

I thought about going out to the garage today and sitting on Sara's bike, you know, to pretend I was going on a ride, but FAST. :D I just do ont have the energy at the moment. More resting.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Right after I woke up, and typed all that stuff about how good I felt? .... I went to the bathroom and puked my brains out. Then I think I may have passed out, or just taken a quick little "floor nap" to regain energy? But I did eventually make it into the shower.

In an amazing show of stupidity, I also drove myself to the bank and deposited a check, then got a Jamba Juice and an onion bagel with cream cheese and lox mixed in, and sat on the sidewalk cafe for a while. Actually, that part was nice.

Got home and rested. that took a lot out of me.

I JUST got a phone call from a racer pal of mine who will remain nameless here, but he is a good pal, and had some swelling. Guess what? He is scheculed for the "The Inguinal Orchiectomy" on Monday morning. POOT! We are hoping they detected it before any cancer spread to the rest of him, and the surgery will get it all. We are hoping.

I am now officially pissed off about nut sack cancer. What causes this? Why?

My only theory so far is that EVERYTHING in the State of California is labelled as "can cause cancer" and I think after a while, guys start to believe it, so it just happens.

Anyhow, my best thoughts and wishes to my pal for Monday Morning.

and me, I am still exuding chemo, but fighting it hard, and drinking, and hoping to be better swiftly.

Thursday morning. I am almost not totally sick this morning. My eyeballs do not feel like they are covered in sandpaper, and I have not felt the urge to throw up since I woke up. I am planning a slow, gradual day, not much activity other than catching up on emails, drinking lots of fluids, and seeing what happens.

I'm still dizzy, weak, and smell like a goat, well, a goat that is sweating chemotherapy out of its system.

Apologies for such a short update, but I see some light, I am feeling a little human, and I need to rest more.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Monday night and I can barely focus to write. Pain. Every third thought in my head is "do not vomit, you need the fluids" then I try to fight back the gag reflexes.

Thursday checked into hospital, got chemo. got turkey, kept it in a bit. Sara stayed, Jack came to visit, Sara left, Eileen, Jim & Ryan stopped by. Slept overnight taking fluids. had to urinate hourly, so not much sleep. Began vomiting at 4am, did not stop til 9am. very noisy, very scattered, lots of different nurses.

Friday, took more chemo. Anti Naus helped.

Friday afternoon, checked out, Sara drove me home. In bed, sweating and hallucinating all night. Lots of nausea and vomit. Could not hold in any fluids.

Saturday, this is when the chemo actually starts running its course through my body, and trying to get out. at any opening. My ears are ultra sensitive, I have a headache, I have no strength. My tears burn my face. my urine burns, I have vomited so much just rolling over makes me need to.

My throat is sore and parched, it feels like it has been turned inside out. I'm in bed seeing things that are obviously not here.

NO, I cannot answer the phone, I can barely type. Any input, any noise sets me off.

SURE, YAY! I am done with chemo. But not with the slow chemical burn, as it kills off all the living cells in my body, on its way out.

My breath feels like a poision yellow cloud, just like my vomit, bile and urine. I cannot breathe it out fast enough to get the poision stench away from my face. It is a fight just to get in a sip of water, and that comes out moments later.

Saturday night is a blur of pain. Sunday does not improve. Fortunately, Sara goes out to watch movies and go to a museum or something. I want to die. This is truly the worst. My kidneys hurt, if I go to pee, I will vomit. If I vomit, I cannot stop untill it is dry heaves and body wracking torture. When it all slows down I return to bed, sip a capful of water, and wait 10 minutes for the next round.

Monday morning, finally, salvation. Drive me to the clinic. Hydration is only an IV prick away. My veins are so tight and ropey, they are bruised, scarred, tender and thick.

It takes 5 attempts over 1 hour to finally get in a vein that gives enough blood return to be useable. I throw up 3 times during this. I am drenched in sweat and tears. Diane the nurse has truly done her most admirable work. We will leave the IV in overnight, and hope it works out. (this also makes me nauseous, i can see and feel it now, while I type)

I take 1,500 ml of fluids. As well as 2 shots to rebuild blood cells. All I can do is curl in the chair and let the fluids drip in. My hair started to grow back in over the long week, and now it is dead again, and all the ingrowns are getting pushed out.

Yeah, thanks for all the nice emails about how chemo is done. But Chemo is not done. I will probably have to hydrate all week long. I can barely breathe. The Nausea is worst I have ever experienced. My throat and sinuses are raw and bloody. My brain is skipping from thought to thought, with every 3rd being "do not vomit"

I am weak, I cannot eat, I can barely stand. All input hurts.

IF I am lucky, at the end of this week, I will have flushed enough of the Cisplatin out that I can drink on my own, and have the nausea under control

December 17th I am set for CAT Scan to see if we got it, and Doctor's followup on the 23rd. My pal Jack took photos last week at the clinic. I do not look my best, but if ya wanna see.

I keep telling myself "Just hold on, you WILL survive this. Be positive" some days it is much harder to be positive than others.

thanks again for all your prayers and wishes.

and a special thought tomorrow, Dec 2, which is Sara's Birthday. I am going to have to have "make-up" this year.

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