Wednesday, November 30, 2005
A man confessed that he committed adultery 3 times. The priest told him to say 2 hail marys and put $5 in the box. Next, a woman told the priest he committed adultery times. The priest repeated his instructions. The rabbi then said he knew what to do and could take over.
Afterwards, a different woman came around and confessed to the rabbi that she committed adultery.
The rabbi asked how many times.
The woman said she did it once.
The rabbi responded: "Do it 2 more times. We're having a special. Three for five dollars".
A Brooklynite tourist was strolling through Hong Kong when he spied a synagogue. He entered and, sure enough, he found a Chinese Rabbi and a Chinese congregation. Even though he spoke no Chinese, he was touched by the service.
The rabbi stood by the door greeting his congregants, When the Brooklynite shook the rabbi's hand, the rabbi asked, "You Jew?" The man answered "Yes"
The rabbi replied, "Funny, you don't look Jewish"!
The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Chelm for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Chelm.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Chelm?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Chelm?"
The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Chelm."
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Could Ninjas perpetrate this sort of evil? mmmmm, probably.
But Kung Fu Lessons? no Kung Fu master can beat a properly trained ninja?
Anyhow, I dunno. I used the leaf blower to clean my truck last night. I am still tired from this weekend, and my #1 goal is to make it to taco tuesday tonight
Monday, November 28, 2005
i am tired and dirty, here are photos. more later
Thursday, November 24, 2005
I am thankful for surviving cancer, and the new outlook it gave me on life.
I am thankful for motorcycles, my life's passionate pursuit.
I am thankful my dad was smooth enough to talk my mom into marrying him, so I am here.
I am thankful for Sara, who keeps me in line.
I am thankful for NPR, which gives me a balanced view of the world.
And I am thankful for a good movement, every morning.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Actually, she's just motivated by Piiiie.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates dot com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
Dumbass nekkid wheelie crash. You have to watch past the stupid amex ad. Darwin did NOT get to this guy in time
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
We depart at 5am Friday morning, headed for Jawbone Canyon. That's right! Mojave Desert! I hope to put the XR back in the setting it was designed for. And hopefully not put myself in any settings! :D
Friday, November 18, 2005
If you want to listen to streaming coverage, info is here
it's a real-audio live stream of Bob Steinberger, The Weatherman, who runs race radio control.
I'm takin my XR650R out to Metcalf Sunday afternoon with Phil, we'll be testing it in the dirt.
Gettin ready for next weekend.
Here is the info Sara found about Jawbone:
OK, i think i'm figuring it out.
What is Jawbone?
View the slideshow. We must take lawn chairs.
Where is Jawbone?
Look for where hwy 14 meets Jawbone Canyon Road, south of Red Rock
What will Sara be doing there?
Look for the pictures of "Dana" to see how Sara will be spending her
Looking at him? I think he enjoys life. If I ever am stuck in Brooklyn? I am gonna give him a call, and offer to take him out for a pizza. He definitely made me smile.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Sara got a new toy. Behold the new hotness:
'06 Subaru Outback Sport.
The color? Steel Grey Metallic
A girl and her new car drive off the lot!
I highly recommend Carlsen Subaru if you are anywhere in the bay area. They are into customer service and selling cars. NOT big flashy show rooms.
ANYHOW, back to the Torque & Recoil Request!
Club Members! I am pressed for time. I do not have the research cycles. Has anyone researched outdoor car covers? Who is the BEST(tm)? I want a good, strong, all season cover, so Sara can roll it over the car and keep this baby protected.
CoverCraft has: Noah, Evolution, Weathershield, Flannel, Sunbrella, & MultiBond
Wolf has: 350F, 200F and Dust
They seem to be all the same kind of thing, but I want info.
What would YOU buy?
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I was looking for a web definition of the word "chalushes" one of my pop's oft used terms when growing up
Nauseating mess, so far, is the closest translation. I think he used it more as "turned to crap"
We were driving to Dallas, passing through that pissant town Terrel, when a cop saw our speeding family wagon, and it was chalushes for us!"
So I am trying to spell it Halushes? Chalushish? I dunno. and I trip over brilliance:
A web guide for the perplexed!
"You will find that there is a lot of variation of how pages look when you change from one Browser to another. Since what looks delicious under one Browser is a Chalushes under another one, having two of them can help you avoid having your Site look like a Chazzershtafl."
Chalushes (khal-ush-ess) Nausea or a feeling of sickness. Also, nauseating. "Did you see that dress she was wearing?! It was positively chalushes!"
More meeskite Web Log
Next time you see a Modern Orthodox fellow pulling his hair out at the Banana Republic searching for an elusive find, but scoring only the most chalushes of garments, laugh out loud. You know better.
(warning has those annoying sidebar links to sex and perversion, may be NSFW)
a translating dictionary for $50! Are they insane!!
and nothing about that pissant town of Terrell, Texas!
Or with a North East Texas Accent:
oy, chalushes, ya'll!
Kinky for Governor!
There is some news from her, but she gotta tell it, not me.
Holidays are coming, and what does that mean? Everyone wants us to come visit, and plane fares are insane. I do not know what will happen, nor, today, will I worry about it.
My mind is troubled. As everyone knows, I have issues with fundamentalists, i dislike reality shows. But I saw this clip, and had to watch the show.
There is a reality show, "Trading Spouses" where I assume they don't actually TRADE wives, I think they just move in to the other house for a week, and live AS the mom. But I don't know, who knows what the hell is on TeeVee.
FOR THE RECORD: I have a hard enough time making peace with one woman, I sure as hell am not gonna mess with that equation and have to try to make peace with TWO wimmen. Charles Says: Wife Swapping = Bad News!
Anyhow, I see this clip of Margurite Perrin, who is a self proclaimed God Warrior. And, if I may say, possibly a little over-zealous. The best clip I found of her total breakdown is here.
Of course, after this teaser, I had to watch the show. Sara got all huffy and mad at me, she cannot stand tee-vee, and DUMB tee-vee pisses her off even more. So she stomped into her office, and logged onto the net and worked. Or answered emails. or did something. I dunno. But for 50 minutes I was totally enthralled.
The spouse trade was a new england new age mom, oddly, from Boxborough, where I have a lab, and direct reports (Hi Brian) but never met these folks. And the Perrins, from well, back-ass Louisiana.
The new age mom was all nice, and took the shy daughter shopping, tried to be nice to the overbearing older daughter, etc. etc.
The God Warrior made the hippie family go to church. And would not listen to anything they had to say. She was preparing for Spiritual Warfare. Why do fundamentalists like war so much? WAR!
At the end of the show, the moms meet. and they write out instructions for how some sum of money is to be divided among the other family. I don't know, it's tee vee, for cryin out loud.
However, in the clip where Mrs. Perrin goes ape shit bonkers, she is rippin up the envelope from the new age mom giving her money for gastric Y Bypass, cause it is ungodly. The whole thing is totally whacked, and I have been fighting to get it out of my mind.
This is the thing that moves to temporary cult status, of course. She has a remix/rap song, and, an eBay auction, Tian has learned about her, Tons of blog entries, now including mine.
All voices say the same thing. it is just embarrasing and disturbing. Fox knew they had gold with it, so of course they played it up.
Anyhow, I am still disturbed. Maybe I am DarkSided?
Finally, I find the answers I need, and a little mental relief, here. Thanks Michael K. Cutting through the hype. It is not just me. Others see the same thing. He had the sack to call her up and talk.
i am disturbed. I need a beer.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
I added an extended life battery to my Ipod mini last weekend, and it stopped working.
DUH! There is a rule about DIY! If you Do It Yourself, make sure you know what you are doing, or be prepared to face the costs.
I broke the molex connection to the click wheel.
I could not repair it.
I shipped it off, I hvae found a freindly company that does all sorts of cool ipod stuff. You need stuff for/to your Ipod? DO NOT BUY the extra life battery on eBay.
Go straight to IpodMods, have them do the work. Nice and freindly. YAY!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
And Sherry sent me this video, (click the THVideo link box). With a little research, I found the news story that goes with it.
DO NOT attempt to take money from a group of ladies in a Shreveport beauty school.
These quotes are beautiful:
Beating of a Lifetime
I was up on him baby.
I beat him with a stick
I told them, get back, I got it. I wore him out.
They kept pulling him back and beating him.
Police put him on the back of the cruiser, where he bled.
My pal Aparna is here visiting/working from Chennai, she got to witness part of the silliness, but left before the bonfire
Antonio, Matt & Sara do NOT all have red eyes:
Antonio demonstrates the secret danger signal from Team America
Sara's artistically captures an impression of me. by FIRE
Monday, November 07, 2005
he got one of me practicing my racing 'tuck' for better aerodynamics....
As memory serves, a young wife got mad at her husband, drove the 60 or so miles to Shreveport, Louisiana, and was gettin likkered up (or as we say in North East Texas, shellacked!) with some dude. Husband phones wife on cell phone. Threatens her. You come home or I'm gonna burn the trailer-house to the ground. To the axles?
She doesn't. He Does.
I explain to Sara, Shreveport is where North East Texans go to make big trouble.
I can still remember driving over there to whup it up at "Cowboys" honky tonk, which had a mirrored ball shaped like a saddle. Actually, it was in Bossier City, next to Shreveport. Folks go missing from there all the time. They also get busted for embezzlement, Shot, sell dope, threaten girlfreinds, did I mention shot? .
Anyhow, last week, a Texas Death Row Inmate walked off death row, past three guards, and out of the prison. Radio interviews painted the picture of an intelligent man smuggling some civilian clothes out of a hearing, getting a forged ID badge, somehow slipping out of handcuffs, then walking through 3 checkpoints, telling the guards he was with the Houston DA office.
He WALKED OFF DEATH ROW.
Then what did he do?
Went to Shreveport and got shellacked!
I'd told Sara about the prison break on Friday night. He was caught last night, I read about it this morning. Told Sara. "They caught the escaped prisoner. Where do Texans go to make trouble" and she giggled, "SHREVEPORT!"
Yes, I need a trip to Shreveport, just to see if Cowboys is still in business.
Shreveport. Full of Sloe Gin & Fast Women.
On second thought, maybe I don't need to go there.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
the damn thing barks all the time, and they are doing nothing to train it.
I think this is a good idea.
though I am kinda broke from paying house taxes, So I might get it in 2 weeks time
Although I like my other idea, apparently whacking your neighbor's dog with a .12 gauge shotgun is frowned upon in California.
Friday, November 04, 2005
I woke up for my walk, tried to run it a little. Performed my morning absolutions. Put the front wheel for Sara's TTR-125 in the truck (I'll be stopping by Ken's later today to swap tires for Sara). And drove on in.
With the Ipod, I make a choice every morning. Do I listen to commercial free music of my choosing? Or do I listen to Public Radio, and get some news? Today, thankfully, I chose NPR.
There was a news article on one of my childhood hero's new book. Jimmy Carter has just published a book titled "Our Endangered Values, America's Moral Crisis".
Now I know, you are probably thinking "Charles! STOP! Moral values? From a self-proclaimed Georgia Born-Again Baptist! YOU are listening to this????" We all know how I feel about the religious right.
Well, Yes. And let me tell you why! President Carter was probably the last great statesman we had leading our country. He tried very hard to do what was right for ALL the citizens of the United States. It's probably why his term was percieved (at the time) as a failure.
He was not working for personal fame. Not working for re-election. He was (and still IS) working to make the country a better place.
So I am listening to this interview on NPR, and I almost drive off the road.
President Carter is explaining the difference between religion and fanatacism. Beautifully.
"A fundamentalist believes I am uniquely related to God. My own opinions are derived from heaven, and they must be, therefore, right. And anyone who disagrees with me by definition is wrong. Because I speak for God, and therefore I must be right."
The beauty of this explanation is that he continues to tie it to the fact that if these beliefs are modified, then they are violating their faith. And to accomodate the opinions of others is improper.
Negotiation, mediation, compromise? Nope!
This is openly taking place in politics. From self proclaimed Christians.
So President Carter, a born again baptist, who split with the Southern Convention of Baptists, is explaining why this rigid structure is stopping the political process.
And WHY, as a nation, we are willing to go to war, when we should consider diplomacy first.
And why the Democratic party is not able to launch a viable candidate.
I swear, I nearly drove off the damn road shouting agreement. And My opinion of President Carter has not changed one bit. He is a great statesman, the kind we need more of.
True, he may have bungled the Iran Hostage Crisis. But compared to the total shitstorm we have in Iraq now?
It makes me want to pray.
Oh Lord, (not just my Lord, but the Christian Lord, the Hindu Lord, the Islamic Lord....) Bring us a statesman. Help us rise to the challenge, and do what is right for the people of our country, ALL the people of our country. And our world.
and in contrast, some GWB Humor from the Onion!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Larissa sends me this:
go to the google search engine and type in your name and put needs after it.
ex: "John needs" --- make sure that its in quotes though!
So I put it in. "Charles needs"
what does it return?
Charles Needs a Change of Pants!
Another reason to fear public toilets....
Man Sues After Using Glue-Covered Toilet
BOULDER, Colo. — Home Depot was sued by a shopper who claims he got stuck to a restroom toilet seat because a prankster had smeared it with glue.
Bob Dougherty, 57, accused employees of ignoring his cries for help for about 15 minutes because they thought he was kidding.
"They left me there, going through all that stress," Dougherty told The (Boulder) Daily Camera. "They just let me rot."
The lawsuit, filed Friday, said Dougherty was recovering from heart bypass surgery and thought he was having a heart attack when he got stuck at the Louisville store on the day before Halloween 2003. A store employee who heard him calling for help informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk "believed it to be a hoax," the lawsuit said.
Home Depot spokeswoman Kathryn Gallagher said she could not comment on pending litigation.
The lawsuit said store officials called for an ambulance after about 15 minutes. Paramedics unbolted the toilet seat, and as they wheeled the "frightened and humiliated" Dougherty out of the store, he passed out.
The lawsuit said the toilet seat separated from his skin, leaving abrasions.
"This is not Home Depot's fault," he said. "But I am blaming them for letting me hang in there and just ignoring me."
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
She recieved test results last night, and got a 99%, high score in the class!
YAY Sara! She's been knocking herself out sudying, and it is paying off. YAY Sara!