Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Last night I was in bed, couldn't really sleep, just somewhat floating in and out of conscious thought, for hours on end. Pondering all the poisions they are pumping into my body to kill this cancerous parasite. Sara fell asleep well, and for hours I held her hand, and listened to her snoring. Gentle, rythmatic, consistent. No bad dreams, no quick changes, just a constant in and out. At times I could even hear her heartbeat. It was nice. I felt very lucky to be alive, and experiencing those moments.

Whenever I rolled over, I would feel a little bile creeping up the back of my throat. Not a true nausea, but an indication, a hint, a gentle forewarning of things to come. Shifting back a little would make it go away. At 3:45 I sat up and had trouble opening my eyes. They were stuck together? With effort, they came open, I went into the bathroom, splashed water on them, then drank a large galss of water. Dehydration is an issue here.

Around 5am, I began thinking of our families. My father, analytical and hopeful for the future. My mother, who always wanted our lives to be perfect, you know, like on TV. And I thought about Sara's folks. Her caring mother, and her dad, soft spoken, but strong. I always thought my dad could do anything when I was growing up. Meeting Sara's dad, I am pretty sure he can do the things my pop can't, and vice versa.

I would really like to continue the chain of family. These folks deserve great grandkids. Sometimes Sara does want to discuss it, other times she does not. I understand. We are both 39. this is scary. But I hope it works out. It'd be cool. If not, I have 14 frozen spermsicles that would make expensive practical jokes, I guess....

My maternal grandfather was supposed to be able to say a time the night before, and wake up at exactly that time the next morning. I said "7:04am" but really woke up at 6:55. Then lollygagged about till 7:30, when I got out of bed. Showered, shaved the tops of my hands to make it easier for the IV drip, and tape removal, then dressed, logged on to work to answer some emails, and drove out.

Stopped at the bank to deposit a check. Thought about buying doughnuts, but decided against, and went in.

When the nurse is putting the IV into my hand, I squirm about, hyperventilating and acting like a big huge baby. The needle pricks, then snakes its way into my vein. I can feel it, it doesn't really HURT, but it makes me horrible uncomfortable. And my brain takes over and really turns me into a wussy.

They start a saline drip, then get some atavan into me as soon as possible to help calm me down. Which it does. I know what to expect now, so I am not as scared. First small saline to make sure the vein is open, then 250 ml of Saline to hydrate me. Once the IV needle is in, they just swap bags on top, that part is easy, I can even watch it without getting too scared.

After the 250 ML Saline, we drop in 250 ml of Etoposide. this is the stuff that will make me bald. Once it finishes, 250 ML of Cisplatin. this is the real cure for the TC. Next is 250 more ml of Saline.

Assuming I get in the chair and started at 9:30am, I am ready to leave at 2:30.

I pass the time talking to other patients, John also cannot look at the needles going in. Rachel has 'busy legs' she fidgets as reaction to some of her drugs. I also read, books and e-books on the palm.

There are large amounts of time I cannot focus to read, so I close my eyes and think about my life. What is important. What I will try to change. Who is important to me. And when I need strength, I thinks about my friends. Today I thought about Jim Queen III, a roommate of mine, years ago, who has the most beautiful eyelashes I have ever seen on a man. I also thought about Kevin Tiene, a new-er freind, who flies model airplanes, and has 2 wonderful daughters. I wonder where my life will go next, and how I can make it better.

OH! And Rick Cramer admitted sending me the Pirate Hat! YAY!

Werner, who took flowers to my sister from me for her Birthday sent me this great link. September 19th is "talk like a pirate' day. the website is cumbersome, I just like the idea of everyone talking like a pirate.

My pal Herb the International Playboy and his new wife will be in Vegas September 26th - 28th, visiting from their hoe in Tashkent. I want to try to go meet her, see them, see all the folks from Texas who come out. But I do not know if I can phyically handle it. I am going to try to make reservations, and see what happens.

Tonight, I feel good. Ate a little steak, my appetite is dimisnishing. But will be okay. If I am feeling well enough tomorrow, I may try to ride a motorcycle in, JUST to say I did it. Early in the treatment, while I am still okay.

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