Monday, September 22, 2003

So maybe you remember a tequila drunk. You know, a LONG time back. In your past. Where you are empty. There is simply nothing in your stomach. But there you are, on all fours, driving the porcelain school bus. Arms draped over the cool cool steering wheel, head down into that abyss, and something deep inside you screams "AGAIN!"

Every muscle tightens. You cannot breathe. Your eyes bulge. Your nose runs. It feels like your belly is trying to jump out of your throat.... but nothing happens. Just a little yellow bile. a little fluid. Your back sweats. It feels cool against the air. Could it be over?

"Again!" like some cruel task master. "Thank you sir, may I have another?"


My knees ache from being on the tile floor. My right eardrum is ultra sensitive because of the noise. I just want to pass out.


I cannot remember exactly when it passed last night, but I finally got in bed, and managed to rest for a few hours. It feels like my body is shrinking, and my ears are very raw. I had a headache that could not be described to modern mechanical scales.

And the sun came up, and I told myself "I have lived to see another day, hoseana! I will survive this."

Woke up, took a shower, ate 1/4 bananna, then lay in bed and waited for my Cousin Evvy to give me a ride to South Bay Oncology for my appointment. It was already heating up again. C'mon, California! September! Why is it 100 degrees??? Help me Lord. (and ya know who helps those what help themselves.!) Flash OH Flash! You and your wacky gifts. Months ago Flash sent me a gel based evaporative cooling collar. It's this wacky little device from Wal Mart. You dip it in water, and then it 'cools' your neck all day. Flash. XOXOX My freind, today, you triumphed.

On the way to the doctors, We had to stop a few times over, as the nausea came back, but managed to make it there. YAY.

My blood counts are as expected, but I was very dried out. The Nausea and the not eating are bad. I also dropped from 186 to 171 lbs. They decided to hydrate me. Dr. Scates tells me that yes, it is normal to have a really horrible spike in pain and nausea after the first week, we will pump fluid in me, get me some anti nausea drugs, and see where we can go.

Evvy sits with me while they pump 500ml of saline and anti nausea into me. I am feeling much better. The nurses call in an anti-nausea regimine to the pharmacy. But, errr, one of them is a suppository. I cannot reach to do this. I am gonna have to have help. Sara, ... honey, ... I love you...

After fluid, I feel like a new man. Well, a 1/2 new man. We go home, and it is hot. I mean, the little thermometer on the back deck is banged off 110degrees. Help me! The official weather report says San Jose hit 97. My aunt (Tante Rifka) suggestspaying for the AC is worth it, we have the house set at 75. Still hot, but almost liveable. The Texan in me cannot stand keeping the AC to 75 degrees, then opening the windows at night to let it all out. I hope this heat wave breaks soon. I am too sensitive to it.

Get home, there is a package on my bed. It appears to be from Austrailia. I open it up, it is a skin of some animal. Scott? Did you send me an animal pelt? What is this? It is nice and soft.

I nap. For a bit. to take the heat off. Then I mix a half cup of clear chicken broth. And get it all the way down. Where it has stayed for nearly 4 hours. YAY anti Nausea. I am due for a pill in about 15 minutes, but Sara is not home yet.

I push my luck to the stops, and eat a can of mini-ravioli. Either it will stay and give me some energy, or it will be very soft coming out. I am also able to drink water now. And have been guzzling as much as possible.

I suppose tonight will be a test of the anti-nausea drugs. If it works out correctly, I should be able to slowly keep energy, and burn through the chemo for the next 2 weeks.

If not, I will go back to the doctors, as I will not let myself get that dehydrated again.

Oh, and my hair is thinning, I feel and see it in the bathtub.

If you have kids, go hug them for me, right now.

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