Thursday, September 18, 2003

Wednesday night saw some nausea, probably from wearing myself out on that oh so needed, oh so therapuetic motorcycle ride. This morning I stopped on the way in and picked up a box of doughnuts. Everybody loves donughts, right? Somehow they got shuffled from the patinets room to the staff break room, but my point was to bring some nice thoughts in for the nurses who work on my veins, and comfort me through the chemo days.

As she was putting the IV into me today, Nurse Cindy saw I was huffing and puffing. She commented "Deep breathing Charles, DEEP breathing" I thought I was, apparently, I was hyperventilating. The needle anxiety is not getting any better, but once the needle is in , and the glorious atavan slips up into my arm, I calm right down.

While on my first bag of saline, I recieved a cell phone call. Usually I try to turn off the phone, cause, well, I am sitting in a room full of other folks also on the IV drip, and you know, manners! But this one is from area code 908 My home town, and I do not recognize the number.

Turns out it was my Scoutmaster Mr. V.G. Rollins. This man had a profound influence on my life. For years he tried to convince me to hang on, and work my way to the finish, no matter how difficult I thought the odds were. Mr. Rollins saw me vomit my way down 150 miles of the Sabine River on a canoe trip, and NOT give up. Any long hike brought words of "We're almost there, just over that next hill!" "one foot in front of the other, you can make it"

In addition to motivation, he also led through example. This man spent his work vacations carting loads of scouts to camp. He'd take us on one campout every month, no mater what. He dedicated his life to helping raise good kids. And in my opinion, his success is overwhelming.

It was great to talk to him.

Then I needed to return focus to chemo time. Drip Drip Drip. You just watch, from 9am till around 2pm, the bag goes in, drips, empties, and is replaced with another bag. The poision drips down a clear tube and into my veins slowly. People come and go in the chairs around me. Some have a positive side, some are waiting to die. Drip Drip Drip. the gravity feed does not care. How will I handle this? With a positive attitude, and thoughts about my freinds. My strength, my greatest asset.

For some reason, my mind drifts, and I think about my pal Eileen. She, her husband Jim and son Ryan took a long weekend to go to disneyland. This is wonderful. Family trip! Yahoo. Wait, my brain is wandering. For a while, Disney's log ride had an auto photo taker at the end of the plunge, and So-Cal teenage girls were 'flashing' the camera. Oh yeah, and posting the photos to NOOOO, Eileen would never do that. What is wrong? Must be the atavan twisting my brain.

Lunch is soup and half a sandwich, I wash it down with water. The clam chowder tastes great. Actaully, it doesn't taste great, it just does not taste metallic. So that is good. But it hits bottom with a wave of nausea. I mention this to the staff, and they add some extra anti-nausea to my final IV, this should help me tonight as well.

Waiting for the final IV to drain in, I close my eyes. Rebecca gave me this Jeero doll, I am holding him pretty firmly under my arm. The Bracelet from Israel from Israel is now in the pocket of my fanny-pack, I cannot have it on my wrist due to the IV. Missy's mini-sock monkey is in there as well. And I think about Sara, who looked like an angel when she came into my room last night to kiss me goodnight. What nice thing can I do for my angel? Well, not barfing on her would be a good start!

I finish the bag, they offer to leave the needle in for tomorrow. This is an option. I cannot stand to think about it. Going home with needle in me would cause great distress, no thanks, pull it, we'll repeat tomorrow.

I drive myself home, still able to do it, but feeling weak. Not disoriented or unfocused, just weak. Get homoe, drink LOTS of fluids, and nap on the bed. It's 78 degrees and climing in the house. Will this heat wave ever end? I need cool, not hot. Fortunately it cools off at night, and that helps.

I need more water.

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