Sunday, October 12, 2003

Saturday passed mostly in bed, drinking water. Just trying to pound down enough water to make sure my Kidneys are wet and runny. My pal Julia came by and spent some social time with Sara. This was nice. But I was mainly in bed with earplugs.

Sunday morning I felt okay, I even had 2 hardboiled eggs. Took the Emend anti nausea pills, and attempted a semi normal day. Not.

I had a shower, washed my bedsheets, then had to stop and be still. Whatever is in my belly wants out, and I am gonna fight it. Sara arranged to have lunch with our pal Joanne, so that was nice. Me, I arranged to go meet the new owner of the condo. I had some tax paper he needed, and I left my shoeshine kit there, and wanted to get it.

2:30pm, I am laying in bed, stark naked, sweating profusely, trying not to vomit, and hoping the drugs will kick in soon enough. By 2:45, I had semblance of control. Got in the truck, set AC to full MAX blast, and drove over.

He was not there. Fortunately, my pal Margaret was in, so we chatted about cancer, about people, about the 'war', about the Homeland Security Act which really scares the hell out of me, and then, about resumes.

half hour later, guy is there, I hand off some papers, pick up shoe-kit, back in truck, MAX-AC to house. Driving is okay, but I know I am slow. I am paying entirely too much attention to everything around me, JUST to be sure, and I am slow. it is okay.

Get home, Sara is playing in the garden, which is really nice to see. She looks like an angel, with the sun in her hair, playing with plants, smiling. it is grand. But I feel bad, so flop, back in the bed.

Around 7 we decide to watch a movie, and I sit up through it, but the entire time, I keep tasting bile rising in my throat, and my stomach is leaping upward. Make the whole flick, even have a handfull of popcorn. And drink lots of water.

When it is over, I want to barf. Everything in me says "let go, just let it go" but I am fighting. I do not want to. I want to keep as much fluid in me as I can. Tomorrow morning they are going to measure my blood counts, and my kidney markers and a bunch of other scary things. These determine if I can stay on the CisPlatin. CisPlatin is that 98% survival rate magic bullet. To do it, I gotta have wet kidneys. I gotta keep in as much water as I can.

I cannot afford to vomit. If I can mentally surpress the desire, if I am strong enough....

Just to make it through tonight. Tomorrow, more chemo. I will push, no more split weeks. 5 days in a row. then time off. this weekend was better than the last, but I bet I am gonna repeat it all starting Wednesday. No more split weeks.

You know how to get through Chemo? You remember to put one foot in front of the other, and keep on walking.

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