Sunday, November 16, 2003

Sunday. I hate having cancer. I am ready to be done. To quote George Jetson, "Hey Jane, Get me off this crazy thing!"

Yesterday afternoon I could not get out of bed. I WANTED to get out of bed, but something was not working right, and I couldn't. Rebecca phoned, she was in San Jose, and she WAS going to come over. Okay, I have no choice, I MUST get up.

Sara helped me, I was sort of staggering down the hall, and she put her hand on my shoulder, I don't know why, but it seemed to give me some energy. Maybe just the fact that she has faith in me.

I want to be normal, bed all day is not normal. I will force myself out, and WILL make a batch of OMJ's famous Spanish rice. Not only that, I will do it meatless, so Sara can have some, and anyone else. I begn preparations, and am swaying back and forth in the kitchen, certain I will pass out at any moment, but by golly, I AM going to make this dang rice. I start cutting and opening and measuring and going through the proceedures. We are short one medium bell pepper, Sara will go to the store and get one for me. Just as her pal Keith arrives. He has been visiting, and flies out Saturday night. They both drive to store for pepper, and "airplane food" for him.


Which is good. Because this is precisely the point nausea overtakes me. I go to the bathroom, and the ordeal begins, again. I know, I have written quite a bit about vomiting, and it is gross. But it is a major part of my life at the moment. And painful like you cannot believe.

I will be standing or sitting, and change position, that is all it takes. Go from sitting to standing, or vice versa, and it triggers something in me. RUN to the bathroom. I have not missed yet.

Squat on the floor in front of the toilet, one hand on the bathtub, one hand on the counter. I keep the toilet EXTREMELY clean, because I know I will be staring in it often. The water starts. In my mouth, I cannot explain it, it is not like spit, and it is not like vomit. it's like all of a sudden, I have a half a glass of water in my mouth. I KNOW it has to come from the saliva glands, but it happens in an instant. I wonder if this is what dogs who foam at the mouth feel like. Then my nose fills with mucus and I cannot breathe through it. I wonder why this happens?

It drips and flows out of my mouth to the bowl, then the heaving starts. Deep in the bottom of my stomach, there is a ripple. A push, and it always moves upward, in waves. By the time it gets to my throat, I can tell if it is dry, or not. Usually the first two or three waves are dry.

I hear a 'gak, gak, ack' sound. I know I am making it, but I hear it, like it was someone else standing next to me. Every muscle between my stomach and my lips tense up and release, in a giant rolling wave. With each heave. Water, flowing the whole time.

Finally, third or fourth wave, and something comes up. If I've eaten, it's food, if not, water, fluid, or bile. Just a little at first, out the mouth, and fine. Then more, the next wave bubbles and gurgles, and has force behind it. Finally, the big one, the one that really hurts. The one where I run out of breath, cannot stop, and it shoots bile into my nose, and I kid you not, out of my tear ducts.

The burning in my sinuses is horrific, My eyes tear up, and i try to blow my nose to get the burning out. But the next wave is already coming. Through the whole process, I am involuntarily spitting, trying to get the stuff out of my mouth. It has to sound just horrible. Ack, garble, whoosh, splash, honk, spit spit spit

This particular time, I only have a glass of sprite in me. It comes out foamy. And does not hurt too bad. Earlier in the day, the eggs and bacon I had for breakfast came up. Forcing bacon bits into my sinus cavity. It is really hard to blow small bits of bacon out of the nose. But I push, because it burns

Finally, it stops. I can tell it's done, because through the tears, the snot, the burning, I no longer feel my stomach rolling. I reach behind me for the toilet paper. The previous homeowner had the paper mounted in front of the toilet. Not next to it. So I kinda reach behind me and paw the air till I get some. I will wipe my mouth, then nose, then the edges of the toilet bowl.

When I am finally settled, I stand up, there is always a cool trickle of sweat on top of my head after I vomit. Lightheaded and weak, I stabilize for a moment. Flush, and over to the sink. First I brush my teeth, really well, back and front, sides, etc. It is extremely important to get all the stomach acids off the enamel of my teeth, else they will rot.

The using anti-bacterial soap, I wash my hands and face. With my blood counts so low, I am very prone to infection, so washing is a must. Then dry off, and continue life till the next round.

This is the really wierd part. Once I am done, I feel relieved, light, and un-poisioned. Just for a few moments, but they are glorious moments. I feel empty.

as I finish, Rebecca arrives, and we talk while I am preparing the rice. Then Sara and Keith get back with the pepper. I now have it all in the pot and cooking. I phone Jack to see if he'd like some, and he is on his way.

I make a HUGE mistake, and forget to phone Kevin Tiene. Kevin is actually the FIRST person who knew I had cancer. We were supposed to have lunch on the day I went to the doctor, and Kevin was calling to confirm lunch JUST as I walked out of the office.

He has really stood with me, like Jack, through this whole ordeal. And I forgot to phone him, cause my brain is not working? I do not know, but felt pretty bad. I did not remember not calling till we were eating.

Next batch! I swear Kevin, Next Batch.

The rice finished cooking, I served everyone up, but only had about 1/4 bowl myself. It was wonderful, but to my educated taste, it was missing the meat. All other consumers seemed to enjoy it.

Not 5 minutes after eating, i felt the tremble, and ran back to the bathroom. Repeat. Oh Sara, get me off this crazy thing. I want to be able to eat and keep my food in for more that 5 minutes.

Well, it is Sunday afternoon, Sara went on a Motorcycle ride with Jack and Rebecca. I am very happy about this, it makes her feel better to get out. We both love riding. I just can't, at the moment.

I had some jello and water earlier, it came out moments before I wrote this. I know I need to drink more water, I will apply myself to a glass in a few. promise.

Tomorrow starts round 4. Hoping for the best.

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