Tuesday, March 02, 2004

My close and dear pal Julz sent me this, I am certain you can divine the correct neighborhoods for your region of the country


Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the Silicon Valley market (Which do you want to purchase; they all sound so WONDERFUL!)
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Santana Row Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at brand new Santana Row. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired dog named Honey, and a cookie- cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
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Blossom Hill Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included. Headset sold separately.
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Story & King Barbie
This recently paroled, tattooed & nose pierced Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a desert/river ready lifted Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills. If you are a cop, we don't know what you're talking about!
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Silver Creek Valley Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
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Morgan Hill Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird ta ttoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
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Aptos Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
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Alviso Barbie
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Gilroy Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Also available with a mobile home.
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Santa Cruz Mountains Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight, brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Leucadia Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a coupon for a free wheat-grass smoothie at any Whole Food's Market.
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East Palo Alto Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus or trolley pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
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Almaden Valley Barbie
She's perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away working.
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Salinas Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pick up truck loaded 10 feet high with mattresses. Green cards are not available.
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Santa Cruz Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple "snap-on" parts. Bonus: free rainbow flag with proof of purchase sticker along with valuable discount coupons to all Soquel Ave. bookstores.

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