Thursday, January 06, 2005

no, I have not posted in a long while, work is at a critical heap of crap, and I am constantly wading through it.

my pal Eileen sent me this

I AM THANKFUL

F
OR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.


FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES
THAT I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I AM EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS
TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES
THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES
ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN
THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND THAT I HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY
BEHIND ME IN CHURCH OR SYNAGOGUE
THAT SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE
OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS
AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM
THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY.
FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.


then my best girl Sara sent me this


Rules of the Blues.


If you are new to the blues, or like it but never really
understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very
fundamental rules:

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning ... "

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes--sort of:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch ... ain't no way out."

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or sport utility vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part
in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' ta die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues; they ain't fixin' ta die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
probably just clinical depression. Clarksdale, Chicago,
St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still
the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you
were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a
alligator be chompin' on it, is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color, it's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline,
it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. black coffee
d. muddy water

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and
dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death
if you die during a tennis match or during liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Hot Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer,
Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Blues Name Starter Kit
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple,Lame,etc.)
b. first name plus name of fruit (Lemon Lime, Peach,etc.)
c. last name of a president, for example: Blind Lemon Jefferson,
Pegleg Lime Johnson or Cripple Peach Filmore, etc.

21. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer,
you cannot sing the blues, period.


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