Friday, April 15, 2005

I am trying to work through something in my mind, and getting opinions and thoughts from everyone.

Sara and I spoke last night, I'd asked her to decide about kids, by new years (last), and last night
she made a concrete decision. She does not want to have kids,
understanding it COULD
be a relationship breaker. I gotta figure out if I am okay with it

Now, my mind is racing, and I have tons to think about:
How I feel about getting old without kids?
I want kids, but I love Sara too.
Will I regret this in 20 years?
Is it worth leaving her and starting over again.... again?
Stay with Sara, will I think: "She's selfish and doesn't love me cuz she won't have my kids?"
If Sara has kids, will she hate the life she never wanted?

Can I be a dad?
I have changed diapers for friend's kids
I have sat in the ER with broken arms,
I have made PB&Js and cut the crust
I LOVE chatting with 4 year olds where every question is "why"

We are both 40 and after chemo, my 'swimmers' are on ice in Palo Alto. No matter what,
if I want kids, it is gonna involve lots of doctors

I feel I know a bunch of neat stuff to teach and pass on to someone. Without
kids, what happens to that? Who do I leave all my money and crap to when I croak? What
experiences will I be missing out on? What is the point of life?
Will we REALLY be a family
without kids? Two people must agree on this decision if they are to stay together. There is
no compromise. Either you have kids or you don't. And with every choice comes consequences.

I am trying to work this through. Of course I don't have to make any decisions today, but
I am trying to gather input and feelings from people. I need to spend time talking to freinds,
of course with Sara, and thinking a lot. I do not want to lose Sara, but I want kids

I have 3 options

1) Leave Sara, find someone else, have kids
2) Stay with Sara, decide I am okay with no kids, live.
3) Discuss Adoption/Surrogate

I need to decide how strong I feel about #2, and consider #3 before I move to #1.
I feel too old to start all over, again. No big decisions will be made today, this week, so there

a dear pal once told me "we cannot know the future" she was right

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