Monday, April 18, 2005

Whenever I get really stressed, I want my life to be like a movie. You know, Sam Elliot runs over me in a parking lot or something, then spends the next 24 hours sorting everything out for me?

It would be really nice if he brought a wheelbarrow full of hunnert dollar bills with him, followed me around and paid everybody off.

So I have this big thought looming in my mind, and I MUST figure out what to do with my life. Sara doesn't want kids. I want a kid. I want a family. I do not want "Jub Jub the Iguana" like Selma Bouvier on the Simpsons.

I carry a bit of paper in my wallet. I've carried it for a long darn time. I was in the "Seven Habits" class when I worked for Dell in 1998. We had to write a mission statement. I didn't, I wrote what I wanted. and I carry it around to remind me of what I think is important.

I want to live each day to its fullest possibility, seeing the positive, changing the negative, moving steadily forward. Work should be enjoyed, my creativity valued, creating a team of co workers close enough to be friends, developing innovative solutions to any problem. Making enough money to allow financial freedom and not worry about daily race for dollars.

My nest will be built on a foundation of love and partnership. A large, airy, roomy, wooden house full of the love and happiness generated by a wonderful relationship with a wild, sensual, beautiful, intelligent partner. Partnered in raising a family of happy, fun, intelligent, wonderful kids, cats and dogs.

Having the freedom to build and restore old cars and bikes, race once at the Isle of Man, enjoy life in a place with beaches, seasons, books, happiness, love, respect, honesty and kindness. I want to be viewed as a friend who will be there, no matter what, a teacher who gives life knowledge, an honest, compassionate, kind, strong person of amazing integrity and courage, focusing on the positive, not anchored by the negative.

Some days I think I stand a chance. Other days I think I am sunk.

At the moment, I am trying to clean up the stuff. I can fix and repair THINGS. I know how to do that. I want to get all my stuff in order, and start dispersing some of it. Less I have, easier it is to walk away from. BUT not, like, Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker. True, I have the van, but I am not LIVIN IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER>...... :)

GPS RMA is fone, I ship it back to Garmin for free repairs tomorrow
Card is returned to frys, new one works
tonight I will consider changing the tub to bromine
slowly, it lines up

I thank ALL my pals who have written or called with some advice. I am trying to 'gel' enough thoughts in my head just to be coherent enough to talk about any of this. And, of course, most importantly, I am trying very hard to be fair with Sara, and let her know I am not jumping to any decisions, and am really THINKING about what all is happening.

I am trying to get enough of a sense in my mind to just be able to talk with her about it, that will help too.

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