Monday, October 10, 2005

My pal Chris Null just posted about an upcoming Samuel L Jackson movie.

Now I thought this had to be made up, however... it's real. He made a freakin movie about an assassin who releases snakes. on a plane.

Alrighty then. Sammy boy needs some money bad. cause this has to be a stinker. Snakes. You know. On a plane.

What really makes me laugh is that it reminds me of a wonderful old story from the 10th grade.

Set the WayBack Machine for 1978 Sherman!

What else happened in 1978?
BattleStar Galactica!
Panama Canal treaty signed
Ronnie Peterson dies in fiery Lotus crash at Monza
2 popes in a row die, Paul 6 and John Paul 1
Jim Jones serves Guayana Punch, 900 die in jungle. Grape reported as favorite last flavor
Yankees beat Dodgers in world series . (young Texas Jew boy does not care)
Zimbabwe is formed from the remnants of Rhodesia
Louise Brown, first test tube baby is born on MY birthday. Now a postal worker.
Kawasaki Z1-R reigns as the most badass motorcycle
Second to last year for Yamaha's RD400, a bike that tormented me for years
Honda released the CBX, very cool, I still would love to own one..
Jay Springsteen was the US Grand National Flat Track Champion
Bob Hurricane Hannah moved up to 250CC MotoX, and dominated
KING Kenny Roberts wins 500GP, brings americans back to dominant GP force.
Don 'the Snake" Prudhomme becomes all time leader in NHRA Drag wins.

Anyhow, this brings us back to the snakes.

1978. First period. History class with Mrs. Leola Lee. I sat behind Gregg Steele (r.i.p. Gregg, a brilliant pharmacologist) and in front of Kelly Williamson, who I lost track of.

Anyhow, Mrs. Lee was married to? Mr. Charles Lee, of course. A kind man who somehow controlled the distribution of textbooks in our school, and wore the cooleds alligator skin shoes.

One day in class, we got onto a discussion of driving.

Mrs. Lee told us the most wonderful story. No matter how hot it is, she said, do NOT drive with your windows rolled down.

One day She and Mr. Lee were driving along in their Mercury, with the windows rolled down. There was a water moccasin sunning himself on the road. Mrs. Lee told her husband, (who wore very very thick glasses) not to hit the snake.

He swerved away, You always want to swerve towards the ditch students, never towards oncoming traffic. He swerved away, but somehow managed to clip the tail of the moccasin with the front tire of the Mercury.

What do you suppose happened next?

An entire room of 10th graders were so intently focused, you could have heard an angel dancing on the head of a pin when she cracked a fart. The room was silent. We were enthralled. We had to know!

Well, the snake got caught up in the car wheel, and whir whir, spun around two times like a dance, then Zing! off the wheel and right into the back window of the Mercury!

Oh, lordy, I screamed, we are gonna die! There's a Snake in our car, and he is mad.

They were in a bad part of town. Now, I am not sure, exactly what a bad part of town for her consisted of. But there were snakes on the road, a bad part of town, and an angry water moccasin in the back seat of the mercury.

Oh lordy Jesus Help Us NOW!

She began to scream (even while telling the story) "Charles Charles, pull over the car! the Snake flew in the window, it will crawl under the seat and bite you on the ankle! Why do you wear such fancy shoes, why couldn't you wear boots, we are gonna die"

Now remember, she is yelling at Charles, her husband, not me.

He apparently did not notice the two turns, zing and fling, snake into the car.

She said he raised his voice to her and said "woman, we are in a bad part of town, I will stop when I can. The snake can stay in the back seat for all I care. Or bite me and kill me now. I have led a good life"

By this time, no one in the class can breathe. We are laughing so hard. She is enjoying the story.

She would make the 2 fingered "snake bite" hand move when talking about it. "He's gonna get my man! sss SSS " snakebite fingers here!

Oh, it was grand.

After 2 blocks, they got to a better neighborhood, pulled over, and she ran out of the car screaming "snake Snake!"

Mr. Lee stopped, opened the door, got out, and looked at the car. Sure enough, there was blood from the front fender up the door and to the back window. He SLOWLY opened the back door, while Mrs. Lee ran in circles screaming and praying and hopin her man did not get the hell bit out of him by a mad snake.

There was blood on the back seat. White Vinyl. She was gonna get her daughter to clean that later, but she wasn't touching no snake blood.

and on the floor, a coiled up angry snake, with a mashed up butt.

Mr. Lee went to the trunk, pulled out his 9 iron, and Mrs. Lee tohught he was gonna mash the snake into the carpet. But he was smart. That's why she married him. A smart man with smart shoes.

He lifted the snake out of the car, dropped it in the ditch, put the golf club back in the trunk, and helped Mrs. Lee back into the car. Got in, and drove home.

We were amazed. "Never drive with the windows down. A snake could come flying in and SSS SSSSs on your ankle" she said.

Now we dismissed most of this as the wild ravings of a mad woman.

I told my best freind Ross about it. He had a 1974 red farting chevy nova.

We were on our way home from school a year later, and what do you think happened? Windows down, hot day, cruising and drinking a beer.

We see a black line on the street. he runs it over and "thwack thwack, zing! thump, hiss hiss"

Goddamnit if he did not run over a water moccasin and fling it into the back seat of his nova.

We damn near crashed the car fighting to get OUT of it. And stood on the roadside laughing like maniacs till we nearly pissed ourselves. Just like Mrs. Lee told us. There was a damn big snake in the back seat of Ross's car!

and he did not play golf.

Fortunately Danny Fulton pulled up. He was one of the meanest sumbitches in the whole school. At least 3/4 Indian (feathers, not dot) and his dad used to beat hell out of him regularly. Danny was what? 8 feet tall? solid muscle? And mean as hell. He only respected people who could beat him in a fight, or make him laugh.

Well, I did both. He was in Gym class. Which is odd. You'd think a guy like him would be in Atheletics, on the team and all. Well, rumor has it he got kicked off the team for beating one of the coaches half to death cause the coach wanted him to shower. Anyhow, in Gym class, Danny kept messing with me while we were trying to play basketball. He'd push and shove, and all that stuff, calling me names. I got pissed, smacked him as hard as I could in the nose, then pantsed him. Yep, bloody nose, pants around the ankles. Then I thought I was gonna die. I was frozen. I could not move. Thank GOD he started laughing. And said "you runt. you got balls."

anyhow, he stops, sees us holding beers and laughing. We relate the story to him, and he says he'll get the snake, if he can keep it, and we give him 2 beers for the road.

Sure, what the hell.

He reaches into the back seat, pulls out the snake, grabs its head, with one fierce twist/snap, no more snake.

We gave him 2 Carlings Black Labels, and parted ways.

So Snakes on a plane? Yeah, right! They should have rolled up the windows. Mrs. Lee knows all!

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