Thursday, December 21, 2006

so it's 12:35am, i just finished tube feeding my son, and I cannot sleep.

But I finished reading an inspiring book. That once again made me realize: forgetting to write, not spending the time being creative, expressive, or letting it out the way I should.

When I was in deevorce skool they taught us to watch the three "domains" of life for balance: Physical, Mental & Emotional

Not taking care of my physical being. Every morning I should go for a walk. Instead I try to squeeze out each second more of sleep, before I drive Saul to daycare, then go to work and try to build whatever reports or spreadsheets, or odd tasks my boss has thought up the night before, take care of stuff for my team, so they can be successful at their job, then back home from daycare and clean the place up. Physically, I'm in horrible shape. Fat, tired, huge bags under my eyes, heck, when I was at the optometrist, they took my blood pressure, and it was high, when I was at the haircut place, I looked in the mirror for 15 minutes while they cut my hair, and I did not recognize the tired old man who was looking back at me.

Mentally, its wrong. Mostly from lack of sleep, but also from lack of effort. My thoughts are as scattered as my writing. I classify everything into "It must be done or we lose the house" "I should do it for someone" and "I do not care" the small things that make up life? keep escaping.

Emotionally, I do not know. So that is off too. I just work, sleep, feed the kiddo, and try to make Sara happy. I seem to pendulum between rage and apathy. Fortunately, I can control and focus the rage part inward, away from everyone else. Oh, there is a third emotion. Love. For the kid, my wife, and my friends and family. I am lucky there. I have wonderful friends. And most of the folks I work with? I like.

so Dr. Miller would tell me I am out of balance, and I need to work on all three domains of myself, or I'm on a course for trouble.

so as soon as I get some time, I'll work on it. Till then, I will feed Tarzan, get him to and from daycare, work, do laundry, clean up the house, and get as much rest as I can. If I am lucky, it won't be raining this Sunday, and I'll get my 4 hours of dirtbike riding mental therapy time. The plan is sound. Do not deviate from the plan. Clean, change diapers, feed, clean, repeat. Unfortunately, the plan is taking a toll on me.

I was on a rant about something this week, and a pal told me I should go into stand-up. My act could be titled "I'm not doing this for comedy, this is therapeutic" another pal told me I've missed my calling, and I should be writing.

Well, here's the deal. I am not funny, and I do not like most people, so stand up is bad. And I am not able to write on command, so there is no way I could make the mortgage doing it. Hell, I tried to turn my web log into a book about nut sack cancer, and I could not even get that edited or published. So no, no writing.

I'd really like to find a way to make a living on or around motorcycles, but that ain't gonna happen. Cisco's stock is never gonna go high enough for me to sell off enough options to retire. I better keep working.

James, if you are reading this, I miss working on the RD400 in your garage. back then it was clear. I knew what I was supposed to do, and if I messed up, you always helped me figure out how to fix it. I keep the rear sets you made in a small box, in my toolchest. They are among my most valued memories and items.

I know challenges are about "building character" and learning "life lessons" but divorce - cancer - kid won't eat C'mon God, can I get a break? soon?

i'm not bitching, I am not looking for an answer (trust me, you do not have one, please don't share it) I am just veting off, so it doesn't blow.

I know where there's an RD400 you can work on.

I'm just saying, is all.

I don't know what the right life/work balance is, but I know my life would be all out of the right kind of balance if I did not have you.
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