Tuesday, January 30, 2007

I ran across this website today. PostSecret.com I think it is a brilliant and wonderful idea.

I am no good at secrets.

In August of 2003 I started a journey through testicular cancer, removal of one, and chemo. When I finished, the joke was: "I can only get it one more time!"

I've been trying to keep this quiet, but I can't. I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow morning. My remaining testicle is swollen and painful. I am scared.

What if I DID get it one more time?

My brain has been spinning for a week with what ifs:
Could it just be an infection?
What if it IS cancer?
What if they have to remove my other testicle?
What if it is not caught in time, and has spread?
What if I have to do chemo again?

It'd be a horrible, horrible addition to the punchline if I did get it one more time.

Saul & Sara. They are the blessings in my life.

But I would not be honest if I did not say, I feel cheated. WHY ME? Why won't my kid drink? What did I do to get cancer again? Is there a GOD? Is GOD mad at me?

I'll know more tomorrow morning. Please don't call. Just hope for good news. I just want to rest.

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