charles statman

In These Uncertain Times.

My first ex-wife, well, that’s a great way to start a paragraph.  It lets you know, not only do I make mistakes, but I repeat them.  Twice so far, I do not plan on a third, but you never know. 

Back to our story.  My first ex wife Rona.  Might as well sidetrack here too.  My pals from Texas ask me “if you survived one Rona, do you think you may have some immunities to the current ‘rona?”  I’m positive I do not.  Whatever the worst case is? So is my life, so bring it on.  I am well and truly tired of “life’s lessons” and “building character” please bring on the land of milk and honey, the good stuff, and more smiles with miles.

Where were we?  OH, yes, My first Ex Wife Rona was a copywriter. She may still be a copywriter, I do not know. As they years march on, either my brain has grown soft, or my soul has grown strong, but I wish her the best – and do not need to find out.  Rona LOVED a great sentence.  The proper turn of a phrase.  She celebrated when writers changed the world.

“Lather, Rinse, Repeat” was probably her favorite story.  Some copywriter managed to double Proctor and Gamble’s bottom line with this simple phrase.   No, you do NOT need to wash your hair, condition twice, etc…  but with a crafty phrase, said copywriter made a “huge business impact.” I wondered if he/she got a big bonus that year.

One of the interesting phrases I’ve seen popping up almost everywhere during this pandemic is “During these uncertain times.”  What the hell is uncertain?  We know it’s a virus.  We know staying home, avoiding contact, washing hands, keeping clean and truly separate is the ONLY way to slow this,  …. until some lab in Israel backwards engineers the virus, probably finds a signature from the lab that developed it, and builds a vaccine, a cure and a reliable test.

But until those scientists get it right? We get bullshit phrases:
In these uncertain times
Social Distancing
Flattening the Curve
Return to work

George Santayana, the often misquoted and rarely attributed Spaniard said “Progress, far from consisting in change, depends on retentiveness. When change is absolute there remains no being to improve and no direction is set for possible improvement: and when experience is not retained, as among savages, infancy is perpetual. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”   Of course everyone remembers Churchill repeating it, and simplified it to “Those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it.”

Well, we have historic pandemic information and research to look back on, but? Screw that.  Studying is hard.  SARS, Swine Flu, Ebola, Aids, Polio, Spanish Flu, Black Plague, I could go on, but you’d get bored.   We have learned NOTHING from the past.  Hoarding bad, Cleanliness good, Isolation, Science.. these things work.

Back to our story. In these Uncertain Times:
Stay Strong
Self Care
Manage your time
Care for your Brain
Learn to make Sourdough
Buy a Toyota.

What?  What the actual fuck?
Nothing is more important than Family. - Hyundai
We are here for You – Toyota

We will get through this together – American Airlines

The copywriters are churning out gems.  You may get sick and die, but until then, buy our stuff.  It will make you a better person.

You are here for me?  Toyota? Really?  Then sell me a car at 5% over your manufacturing cost.

Get through this together? American Arilines? Wow, thanks Bruh!  Where were you when my bag was 50.5lbs and you made me unpack and repack at the ticketing checkout line.  I couldn’t even give you a tenner to let it go.  Together?  Are you gonna share that big fat multi billion dollar check of MY taxpayer dollars the government is gonna bail you out with?

OH FUCK NO – you DON’T get to blow this off as “Trump’s a bastard”.  I don’t like ANY politician, and we might get to that in another entry.

What happened during the last mortgage meltdown? 2008 – TARP.  Bailout for banks.  What did the banks DO with that money?   Maybe you are old like me, and noticed they bought up and converted every restaurant, corner store and Chuck E. Cheese to new branch locations.   In my old neighborhood – Second Ex-Wife – Chase bought a Napa Auto Parts store, and converted it to a branch.

Why?  Because the government gave us your taxpayer dollars, so we are going on a real estate buying spree.   NO, we are not using the money to boost the economy, help with mortgages, help people.  No, we are lining our pockets and expanding.

2009 - American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 - $831 BILLION dollars – Billion, with a “B” - $15 billion to allow companies to use current losses to offset profits made in the previous five years.   Did you or I see any of that.  No, no we did not.

Both Parties are very good at giving corporations lots of cash because - “crisis.”  In these uncertain times, there is something I AM certain of:  it’s good to be a mega corporation and feed at the trough of taxpayer dollars.

The company I work for, works for a bigger company that makes computer chips.  “It is essential you are ON SITE, ON CAMPUS, just in case any of our people need to walk the job/site”  Really?  It is essential that instead of crunching spreadsheets, sitting on con calls, making paperwork from the relative safety of my isolated home? You need me to come in to the plant, and sit in a tiny room (it is not an office, four people sit in it, no windows, next to the elevator service shaft). And do all those essential activities?

In these uncertain times? I am certain big companies, the very same suckling at the government’s teat, the big ones who figured out how to really care for their employees?  Will thrive.  

The big monstrosities who demand asses in chairs – also feeding at selfsame trough – are going to lose their top talent and hardest workers – once the Israeli doctors and researchers come up with the cure.

Stay home. It is certain that helps.

Do NOT hoard toilet paper.  Really? Toilet Paper? For fucks sake.